Insecurity can be a very powerful force

It can lead to confidence issues, but it can also lead to moments of empowerment. As someone who has struggled with insecurity throughout my life, I know first-hand how dark and damaging those thoughts can be. But over time, I saw another side to insecurity. I came to understand it as a natural emotion that can be harnessed to fuel positive change in our lives. Like the emotion of fear, insecurity can be a driving force that pushes us out of our comfort zones and makes us grow.

In this post, I work to find meaning for insecure thoughts, and I list some tips for overcoming them based on what I’ve learned from my own experiences and reflections.

What does ‘insecure’ mean?

Insecurity can be defined in many different ways. Let’s start with some basic definitions. The Oxford English Dictionary starts with the physical meaning of the word: “Unsafe; exposed to danger; not firm; liable to give way” – like an unsafe bridge that is on the verge of collapse.

Merriam-Webster defines it as an emotion and mindset: “deficient in assurance: beset by fear and anxiety.”

If you suffer from insecurity (as we all do), then you can probably relate to both of those definitions. But as a lover of poetry and spoken word, I find that the best descriptions of insecurity come from our great poets …

Poems exploring the meaning for insecure thoughts

For most of us, insecurity can spiral into many other different emotions. If you’re looking for another word for insecure, you could describe it as uncertainty, self-doubt, inadequacy, vulnerability, fear, hesitation, anxiety, envy and so on.

Poetry is a great source for exploring these many facets and meanings for insecure thoughts.

In the poem “Harlem,” Langston Hughes hits on the feeling of failed aspirations and questions of self-worth.

What happens to a dream deferred?

      Does it dry up

      like a raisin in the sun?

      Or fester like a sore—

      And then run?

      Does it stink like rotten meat?

      Or crust and sugar over—

      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags

      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

      And then run?

      Does it stink like rotten meat?

      Or crust and sugar over—

      like a syrupy sweet?

      Maybe it just sags

      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

Here’s another one I stumbled across (author unknown) that captures the pain of looking at one’s self when feeling insecure and how it can be a very solitary experience:

Shadows of Doubt

In the silence, shadows creep,

Whispers of doubt, in darkness weep.

A mirror’s gaze, too harsh, too deep,

Insecurity, a secret to keep.

An emotion we all struggle with

Insecurity is a universal emotion. I know many people who struggle with it, including myself. We all have insecurities.

Overcoming those insecurities can often be a challenge, because they have a powerful way of injecting us with false beliefs of ourselves: the sense of belief that we may not be good enough or skinny enough or pretty enough… the list goes on.

Insecurities plagued me my entire life

When I was younger, my list of insecurities could fill up a novel. I never felt worthy. I was insecure about everything. As an adolescent, my insecurities were on the surface, and as I got older, they just became deeper and deeper.

It showed in my confidence levels and in my communication with others.

One of the most damaging results of my insecurities was loneliness. No one really wants to be around somebody that’s overwhelmingly insecure. Even though we all have insecurities, the negative energy associated with it is often undesirable. This is what I mean when I say that insecurity is a solitary experience, even though we all deal with it.

What insecurity looks like

Fear.

Insecurity almost always manifests as fear.

For me, I know that some of these insecurities are silly and can be ignored. But others are more intense and are really poisonous to my spirit. For example, taking my shirt off was a big insecurity. I was always embarrassed about my weight. I never wanted to take my shirt off as a man who went to the beach or a swimming pool. It made me feel really ashamed. I felt less worthy. I would feel sad and it made me depressed throughout the day.

Flipping insecurity on its head

Over time, I realized that insecurity can also be a powerful factor in motivating someone to take a different turn in life.

For instance, I started working out a lot more and taking care of my body, just so I can feel a little less insecure, although the feeling still remained.

As I’ve gotten older, my insecurities have transformed. I’ve become less insecure about certain things and more insecure about others. For example, the insecurity of a financial future in retirement becomes more of a priority to address as a middle-aged man.

For me, overcoming my insecurities required solitude, exploring the depths of my ego, overcoming fear, participating in challenging sports and a few other things that I touch on, below. One of the most beautiful things about insecurity is that it can be molded into confidence and self-awareness. Your insecurity does not own you.

The Wisdom of Insecurity

There are many quotes out there about “overcoming insecurity,” and there are many motivational videos and books that can help build one’s insecurity into confidence.

One great resource is a book called “The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety” by Alan Watts. The book explores the source of our insecurity in an increasingly unstable world (the book was first published in 1951, but it’s very relevant to our world today). Watts argues that our insecurities come from our efforts to find security in our lives. In other words, it’s our desire for security that causes us to feel more insecure.

In the social media age, this rings truer than ever. We’re bombarded by images of other people’s successes, all day, every day. Nothing makes us feel more insecure than seeing our peers appear to be happy, successful and prosperous.

So how do you prevent these negative thoughts? Here’s what Watts recommends in The Wisdom of Insecurity.

How to stop being insecure

If you struggle with self-doubt as I have, then you’ve probably wondered how to stop being insecure and gain back your confidence. There’s no single magic bullet. But as I learned from Alan Watts, you can drastically change your self-perception.

  1. Embrace the present. Don’t fall into the spiral of obsessing over the past or future. If you want to banish insecurity, you have to live in the moment. Embrace the now.
  2. Reject the illusion of the ego. To Watts, the concept of the ego (or “the I” as Freud described it) was a social construct, removed from reality. It’s a source of pain, because it separates us from our true connection with the living world. Overcoming and rejecting the ego is key to understanding our unity with the universe.
  3. Accept uncertainty. As you embrace the present, you also let go of the rigid social pressures and self-analysis. You learn to accept and appreciate uncertainty as a natural part of our existence. Life is fluid. If we aren’t open to that fluidity, then our existence becomes way more fraught.
  4. Let go of control. When we constantly strive for stability and security, our lives become very rigid. The path becomes too narrow and straight, which causes us stress whenever we veer off that path even the slightest bit. By letting go of control, we learn to recognize and appreciate the full richness of life.

Other tips for overcoming insecurity

I love Watts’ advice in The Wisdom of Insecurity, but it’s not the only approach you can use. If you’re not feeling the tips above, here are some additional recommendations by psychologists and therapists on how to stop being insecure.

  • Value your own needs. If you’re constantly putting other people’s needs in front of yours, then you’re probably also reinforcing a false belief that you’re not good enough or not worthy of having your own needs met. It’s okay to help others, but you must attend to your own needs as well, on a regular basis.
  • Don’t run from your insecurity. Think of your insecurity as a tool for transformation, not a source of criticism. Don’t ignore it. Harness Think of it like an inner voice that is trying to help you, not hold you back. What is it trying to tell you?
  • Set achievable goals. If your insecurity is fueled by failed aspirations, then you may be setting your goals too big. It’s okay to dream big, but it’s important to outline the “small” steps needed to get you there. Otherwise, you’re only setting yourself up for failure. Set achievable goals and celebrate every milestone, no matter how “little.”

Facing yourself in the mirror

Facing insecurity requires looking in the mirror and sometimes we don’t like what we see. I have an older friend who is like a father figure to me. He always told me that the mirror has three faces. The first face is the public mirror – what everyone else sees. The 2nd face is the private mirror – what only you see. The 3rd face is the invisible mirror – what no one has yet seen, not even you.

There’s a lot of wisdom and insecurity if you’re willing to look at all the mirrors. As I’ve gotten older, I have learned insecurity does not go away. As a matter of fact, many things in life can go against how we planned it, and that insecurity leaves us paralyzed. For example, we can lose our job, get a divorce, lose our parents, etc. For me recently the insecurity of losing a relationship has hit me pretty hard. I’ve learned of the tremendous amount of mistakes I made. I’ve also sat with the pain and insecurity which has taught me to accept the scary feeling of not having any place to feel grounded and secure in.

Often times I would escape insecurity with the wrong things – seeking too much pleasure to cope with the pain. But the truth is, the wisdom is NOT escaping. Once you find yourself in the trap of insecurity, you have to get out of it, and for me it’s refining my joy. It also means establishing my values and self-respect – which often get destroyed with toxic thoughts if I allow my insecurity to take over.

Final thoughts

Insecurity can hide in the deepest darkest places. Whether it’s career-based, personal-based or community-based, insecurity is everywhere. The relationship we have with insecurity can grow over time. I encourage you to explore that relationship to its deepest degree. The benefits of turning insecurity into confidence can be overwhelming. Understanding that you have the power to become secure, confident, self-aware and healthy is vital to your success in this journey.

Insecurities never go away. We’re always going to be insecure about something as we go on our journey in life.

Be brave. Respect solitude. Learn to harness your insecurity to forge the change you want to see.