The 10 Rules of Friendship
What I’m Still Learning about Love & Friendship
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately. A few weeks ago, I was honored to give a speech at my best friend’s wedding.
The speech was titled “The 10 Rules of Friendship” – but writing it wasn’t easy. It opened my eyes to how my friendships have changed over the years … the friends I’ve lost, the friends I’ve made, and the relationships that have grown stronger and deeper than ever.
Below, I’ve included an updated version of the “10 Rules” inspired by my speech, along with tips on how to make friends (and the keys to keeping friendships alive). But first, I want to share how my personal journey plays into all this.
Childhood vs. Adult Friendships: How to Make Friends and Keep Them
As a child, I struggled with how to make friends. I didn’t have the confidence or social skills to connect easily with others. Sometimes, it was the environment I grew up in; other times, it was my own natural insecurity. I often felt out of place, like I didn’t quite belong.
But not having many friends as a kid taught me a valuable lesson: it made me cherish every single friendship I have as an adult. When you know the pain of loneliness, you don’t take love and friendship for granted.
Now, as an adult, I understand the different layers of friendship—best friends, acquaintances, even soulmates. I’ve learned the depth of true companionship.
Making Adult Friends is 100% Worth It
Ironically, I now find it easier to make friends as an adult, while many of my peers struggle. Maybe it’s because I’ve become an open book, unafraid to be vulnerable. Being open and authentic is one of the best ways to make friends as an adult.
One thing I’ve noticed is how trust changes between childhood and adulthood. As kids, we trust quickly—sometimes blindly. As adults, trust is earned, and it’s much harder to come by. Over time, we realize that only a handful of people will be with us for life. Friendship isn’t just about making connections—it’s about maintaining them.
Life gets complicated, responsibilities grow, and keeping friendships alive takes real effort. But that effort is always worth it. The friendships that withstand the tests of time, distance, and change are the ones that bring the most meaning. If you’re wondering how to make friends as an adult, start by being open, showing up, and putting in the work. How do you do those things, exactly? Here are some ground rules.
The 10 Rules of Friendship
1. Speak From Your Heart
The poetry of relationships lies in one’s ability to speak from their heart center. From that place of compassion and divine love and graceful understanding. By speaking from our hearts, we are able to become vulnerable and naked with all of our truest feelings, and to express that to a friend is one of the greatest experiences of this life. By speaking from your heart, you’re speaking your truth, and that becomes very important in the communication dynamic with a friend. It’s crucial to avoid telling lies because eventually a friend will always discover a lie. Allow your heart to be your North Star and guide you throughout the journey. If you betray your truest feelings, you only betray the relationship with a friend.
Simon Sinek & Trevor Noah on Friendship, Loneliness & Vulnerability
2. Let Them Go
You have to be able to let your friends go. They have their own growth to pursue. When my best friend told me he was going to get married, I was so depressed for about a day and a half. In my mind, I lost my best friend forever—no more time on the basketball court. No more walking up hills and talking about life on a random Tuesday at 11 in the morning. But then I realized true friendship needs space. Always give space to appreciate. Pro Tip: For anyone you love dearly in life, this applies—hang on tightly and let go loosely. (Ruben Garfias)
3. NEVER Be Jealous
Never be jealous of your friends’ accomplishments. Instead, be inspired by their success. Always remember that true friends support each other’s journey and celebrate each other’s victories. I found myself at the top of the world a few years ago. I had all the money. My best friend would look at me with inspiration. Never a moment of jealousy—now he makes a lot more money than me. But the truth is, I couldn’t be happier because my brother is shining bright. He inspires me. When he shines, I shine.
4. Share as Much as You Can
If you can’t share something with your best friend, then it is meaningless. Moments are best when shared with those you love. Think about all the times you shared something with your friend—an experience, a moment, a delicious dinner, etc. Sharing not only in happy moments but also in the pain each of you goes through. Sharing in the tears and fears. Share your success and share in the lessons from the failure. A lack of sharing is a lack of trust.
5. Protect Your Friendship
A friend is a relationship with and from God—don’t let the devil win. Your friendship will be tested. I think the longest I haven’t talked to my best friend in any given period is about a week and a half. After a week and a half, I start hallucinating. Everywhere I look, I just see my best friend. I think to myself, like, damn, I need to call him right away because whatever we’re fighting about has to stop. Life is too short! So we have to learn to nurture our friendships and water them with the fruits of our expression of love.
6. Prepare for Loss
If it’s really “ride or die,” know that one day one of you will die first. You’ll never be prepared for that day, so you better acknowledge it now. But you can live every day with the appreciation of your friend and the comfort that you’ve got each other’s backs until the very end. Cherish every moment. But also, there will be plenty of other loss throughout your journey and opportunities to be there for your friend during times of grief. That’s when friends are needed most. You are their shoulder to cry on, literally. And they are yours.
7. Forget the Money
So many friendships are destroyed over money. How sad is that? Debts, disagreements, resentments – it’s all so petty and pointless when you consider how amazing our existence is. Friendship is what makes life richer, not money. If it’s about money, let that shit go. It’s not really our money anyway; it’s God’s money. Can’t take it with us. For some reason, I still pay for my friend’s AAA membership, and I don’t know why—listen to me, it’s been 20 years—I’ve been paying for this membership. And he happily takes the renewal card every July.
8. Treat them Like Family
If they treat your mother like their mother, that’s family. When my friend was getting ready to get married—after his family—he brought her to my mom. And why wouldn’t he? He’s like family to me – and that’s what close friends should be. This comes back to trust, being open and letting friends into your life. But also, when you care about a person, you want your other loved ones to know too. (If you’re embarrassed or hesitant to share a friend with others, then you need to question why.)
9. Murder Your Expectations
Understand that your friend is not you, and you are not your friend. Expectations will poison a relationship. The journey is independent of the traveler—respect your friend’s journey as well as your own. If you find yourself thinking, “My friend should be going out more … my friend should be calling me … my friend should be doing what I want,” — well, then that’s not really about your friend or their needs at all. It’s about you.
10. Say It
If you can’t say “I love you,” then really you’re just playing silly games. I love my friends. I can tell you the day I told them that and where we were standing. These moments are memorable to me, because they’re meaningful. Telling someone you love them shouldn’t be awkward – it should be natural. If you care for someone, they deserve to know it. Right now. Because who knows if you’ll get the chance again? Our time on this planet is limited. You appreciate your friends, and you want the best for them, right? Don’t be afraid to communicate it.
I’ve Changed – and So Have My Friendships
I recently visited Virginia for a family funeral. I found this old picture of me that they had when they visited us many years ago – you can see it above. When I look at that pic now, I see a haunted little kid. I remember this time specifically in my life being less ideal. I was bullied and physically abused as a kid, so I became an introvert. I didn’t know how to make friends.
What’s crazy is, in the picture I was actually in the happiest place on earth—Disneyland. The rest, I will leave to imagination.
As for me now, approaching my 39th birthday, I have a different appreciation for the gift of life. I’ve gone from being a boy to becoming a man. From being immature to more mature. I have more friends that I could probably manage and I have real friends that can’t be replaced.
I carry most of my days with smiles now and less frowns. Friendship has a lot to do with that.
One of My Favorite Friendship Quotes
I’ve seen plenty of friendship quotes over the years — memes, proverbs, bible quotes about friendship, movie quotes, you name it. But one of my favorites is by Leo Buscaglia, who was a well-known motivational speaker and the author of several books on love and relationships.
The quote goes like this: “A single rose can be my garden; a single friend, my world.”
I love this quote because it paints a picture of how big and meaningful friendship can be. A single rose is beautiful and unique enough to be an entire garden. But a friend is the world: they bring color, growth, and infinite richness to our lives. A good friend is everything.
Other meaningful friendship quotes I love:
- “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” (Elbert Hubbard)
- “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
- “The language of friendship is not words but meanings.” (Henry David Thoreau)
The Emerson quote gets to an important point that I return to below, about keeping friendships alive. But first, I want to share some practical tips for making adult friends, since it’s often the first challenging step for many of us in our busy lives.
How to Make Friends as an Adult: First Steps
Have you seen this TED Talk with Dr. Mark Shapiro on “Making Friends as an Adults?” It’s only 11 minutes, but it packs a lot of important points:
Like me, Shapiro questions why it’s so hard for some of us to make friends in adulthood. It’s completely different now vs. when we were kids. As kids, you just walked up to someone on the school playground and asked them: “Do you want to play?” That was all it took.
As adults, it’s not that simple. We have all kinds of expectations that stop us from making new friends – not to mention a lack of time and willingness for friendship. That, right there, reveals one of the most important steps to making new friends. You have to truly want it …
To make friends as an adult, you must be open to those friendships. You need to be receptive to it. If you close yourself off to the people around you, or don’t make any effort to connect with others, then making friends will be impossible.
Tap into Your Existing Connections
Chances are, you already have potential friends in your life. At work … church … school … social gatherings … athletic groups and so on. These groups offer so many opportunities to form new friendships within environments you’re already familiar with. In many cases, you already have shared interests and values with the people in these groups.
If you’ve tapped out your existing network, then it’s time to branch outward. Make the effort to find activities you enjoy, such as workshops, clubs, volunteering—whatever interests you. As adults, we often use the excuse “I don’t have time.” But you have to make time if you truly want new friendships.
Be Authentic – Be Vulnerable
Making new friends as an adult (or at any age) doesn’t mean becoming someone you’re not. You don’t have to pretend or put up any fronts in fear that the others will not like you. In fact, those things will doom your friendship.
To really connect with others, you have to be yourself. And, you have to be vulnerable. This means being authentic with others, open, honest and unafraid. Your connections will appreciate your authenticity – and they’ll feel more comfortable about being authentic with you.
Reach Out
Don’t be afraid to follow up with friends (new and old). Keep the conversation going. Research shows that people are surprisingly hesitant to reach out to others, including existing friends. But when they do, both parties feel happier.
People want to hear from you – especially new connections. They want that continued connection and validation just as much as you do. So go ahead and send that text … say hello … share a funny TikTok … follow up on a previous conversation … whatever it takes. These “little” check-ins are what build deeper friendships.
What Makes a ‘Good’ Friendship?
As you’re building these new connections, you may start to wonder, “How do you know if someone is a true friend?” How do you know it’s a “real” friendship?
Part of these questions are rooted in insecurity. Resist those negative self-thoughts. If the friendship is growing, it will happen naturally. But if you’re still not sure, it’s worth asking yourself: What is a friend?
The definition can be different for everyone. As the Roman philosopher Cicero once said, “A friend is, as it were, a second self.” But that might not be true for everyone. After all, you can form deep connections with people who are nothing like you. (The same goes for close family, right? Two brothers can have wildly different personalities and values, but their bond can be greater than any other in their lifetimes.)
A good friendship is one that has mutual respect and trust. Regardless of what that friendship looks like, both people have to care about the other and show a genuine commitment to making that connection last.
What is the Difference Between Acquaintances and Friends?
Best friends, acquaintances and soulmates are very different types of connections. But believe it or not, they all start at the same place. This is important to understand, because it underscores how friendships are formed and how they grow.
- Acquaintances are simply the people we know in our lives. They may never form a deeper connection with us, and that’s fine. But they do present an opportunity for friendship, if that’s a mutual goal.
- Friends are the people who often start as acquaintances but become something stronger. They are the connections we want to keep, based on mutual respect and understanding.
- Soulmates are the friends who we connect with on the deepest level imaginable. The term “soulmate” is often used to describe a life partner or “significant other.” But it can be any solid friend whose connection seems almost spiritual or determined by destiny. A true BFF.
Notice how each one builds off the other? Making new friends (especially as adults) requires taking a connection to the next level … with more effort, time and attention. Many friendships will come naturally. But as adults, we often have to be willing to take the next step to build a lasting friendship upon the foundation of a casual acquaintance.
Keeping Friendships Alive
You’ve made a new friend. Now what? How do you make sure it will last?
Remember the Emerson quote above? “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Friendships aren’t one-sided. To keep friendships alive, you have to continue to be a great friend yourself. That means making contact, reaching out and staying committed to the friendship you’ve formed in the same ways you initially did.
“The love you take is equal to the love you make,” as the Beatles song goes.
This is especially true in adulthood when our lives become busier and our priorities shift in every direction. With great friends, you may not feel it’s possible for the friendship to truly “die.” But if you don’t hold up your end of the friendship, or if you allow too much time and distance to grow, then even the strongest bonds can weaken and fade.
Always remember Rule #5, above, about protecting your friendships. If you want a friend for life, you must continue to nurture your friendships and water them with the fruits of your expression of love.
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